Pointless...

There is only so much a person can do to help others in certain situations. You know the feeling? Helplessness? Looking at what is going on and knowing that there is absolutely nothing you can do? I have stepped into one of those. It is such a gross feeling. Someone I care a ton about has put themselves into quite the predicament. Now, depressed and feeling alone they feel that they have to keep treading on into this crazy problem... Even though they don't have to. In fact, they can take the chance to turn their life around and start on a fresh path. But, there are so many factors and the top one being that they don't want to quit again. Yet, in my opinion, some things are worth quitting. I guess you could compare it to smoking... SO, what can I do?

Complain to my husband about it. That is really all that can be done.

This post is pointless. I just needed a place to rant I guess...

Lessons...

There is so much on my mind this fine morning that I can't really figure out where to start...

I don't know if it has been the pregnancy hormones or even just the heat that has had me in a sour mood the past couple of days. I have been on this, "poor, pitiful me" kick. It has put me into such a disgusting state of mind that I haven't been able to find happiness in much of anything. Most of the time I found myself being jealous or sad because of things that I don't or didn't get to have in my life. I thought about not having a wedding or a dress... or the fact that my ring was the cheapest thing we could find that wasn't made of plastic. I got stuck on thinking about not being able to decorate my nursery with beautiful furniture, or pick out clothes for my little girl from the store. I thought about clothes and how I haven't been shopping since I was in high school or how much I would love to be able to go on a date with my husband that didn't involve scrimping and saving to get 75 cent legs from Buffalo Wild Wings... All of these thoughts, these materialistic, selfish, disgusting thoughts were swimming around in my head making me a very materialistic, selfish and disgusting person. Not only did it effect me, it effected my family as well.
Well, to put it as blunt as I can, I will never let myself slip into a rut like this again. I truly do enjoy my life and I have no excuse for the way I have been lately. True, my family and I make sacrifices, but in many ways those sacrifices have made my life more beautiful and rewarding than it ever could have been.
I get to be a stay at home mom because we don't spend our money frivolously on things that we don't need. We don't spend money on the movies, going out to eat, or having TV... Instead we go hiking and camping spending time together outdoors. Things that people have made necessities turn out to be almost burdensome objects that turn people against the simple things in life and in my opinion I am lucky to not have to deal with that. I make a lot Autumn dresses and I was able to make my house a home without spending any money on store bought decor. I am proud of myself and my life.
True, I could have gone into debt on a wedding and a dress. I could have picked out a ring with a nice rock on it for all to see... But where would that have got me? It would have given me a story about the day I spent too much money to show off to a bunch of people that I don't even really know. To me, my husband and being sealed together was the important part and that makes me feel more beautiful than anyone ever could feel standing in a big white dress.
My clothes smell like the wind because I wash and dry them outside. My house is peaceful because instead of a TV blaring I can hear my little girl singing. I don't need my husband to take me out for me to feel important... sitting on the front porch swing at night is enough. I am blessed. Even with all the money in the world, my life couldn't be more rich.

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday Grandpa.
Remember... You have at least 10 more years of flicking me on the head left in you..




I love you grandpa.

Alice in Wonderland

I am psyched. I never thought my favorite disney movie could ever get better, but I may be proven wrong. I am proud to present the first trailer for Alice in Wonderland coming out in 2010. I will definitely be seeing this in theaters. Tim Burton is a Genius.



Here are a few other movies I am highly anticipating :)

Ugh, sickness is sick.

Nothing is worse than seeing someone you care about sick as sick gets. My dear husband is extremely under the weather, in fact as I am typing right now I can hear the bathroom door closing and yet another puke coming from behind it...
I rushed to walmart this morning at about 6 to get ginger and gatorade, I hope it helps.

I can tell its going to be a long day since last night went without sleep. Oh well, the life of a wife right?

Here is a cartoon to make anyone who just read my sad blog feel better.

I woke up this morning with a lot of quiestions floating in my brain. Usually its a song or something... so I was feeling slightly anxious. It through me straight into one of my "list-making" moods. So, out came the steno pad and the pen.

I feel incomplete. I have yet to figure out why. Out of the 5 lists I wrote this morning of goals and to-dos, I still feel that tug of things missing. I guess its just a weird feeling being at my parents house pregnant with my second kid, watching my little girl run around. I am 21 years old. I graduated highschool in 2006... now as I come to the end of 2009 I am the mother of two who spends her free time cleaning house, reading and making stockings for my children. I have come a long way from 2006 when I ate at Denny's with friends at 1:00 in the morning, worked all the time and spent most of my time riding jet skies or starting things on fire. Weird.

Yet, what is so un-fulfilling about being a wife and mom? There couldn't be anything more rewarding... I am still confused at this void I have hanging over my head today.

Here is the list I made of goals for my soul:

Things to do for my insides:

1. Increase my knowledge of things
a. go back to school
b. read books more often that don't involve wizards or rabbits...
c. pay closer attention to my suroundings

2. Get a hobbie
a. something worth the time
b. something that makes me happy

3. Make a friend.
a. other than my husband and kids...

This is just the top of the list... I would hate to bore the few people that actually read this thing. As you can see I have some work to do to fill in some gaps. I believe the hardest thing will be to make a friend... I am not good at it, I think its because I am kind of a hard person to like, people seem skeptical of me. But alas, I need a bosom friend and I need one bad, I fear I am too lonely for my own good.

Until then, I will resort to ice cream to fill in the gaps of my soul. Its creamy-smoothness seems to fill it in well.

On a different note... This is a picture of my at 10 months old. For those of you who know what autumn looks like, it is kinda creepy...

News

It has been WAY too long!

Yet I don't have much to say...

Here's the news:

1. Autumn can say "bubble" and "please".
2. Steven shot his foot, now he has a wobbly toe and he and his wife just sit at home all day.
3. We are looking for a rental closer to everything in town.
4. We got a lot more than we thought we would at tax season... so we are going on a honeymoon!
5. The honeymoon is going to be the next two weeks in WA and OR.
6. Charlie is working at ZLB again :)
7. Geoff is going to Harvard this summer.
8. My father-in-law is getting married in June.
9. I am 6 weeks pregnant!!
10. I hope it's a boy ;)

Here's a few things to make this post more interesting...

The Holidays are comming to an end :(...

Alas! The holidays are over!
We started the holiday season out with baking. I think we baked for about 3 days straight... I made fudge, truffles, peanut brittle, cookies, eggnog, chocolate covered pretzels and we baked gingerbread for about 6 different houses... Our oven was constantly going, our house smelled wonderful though. We invited the family over to decorate gingerbread houses. Everyone showed up, even my mom and Seth came, it was really nice to just chill and have fun.




Christmas was awesome, as it usually is. It was Autumn's first Christmas and I think Robert and I were more excited than her. We scraped together all that we could to make this Christmas special for her. On Christmas eve we went to Grandpa Zahn's to eat dinner and then went home to open up pajamas. The next morning Autumn woke up to see the new piano and stuffed animals Santa Clause gave her, along with The Jungle Book movie from mom and dad. Robert got a leatherman, bread/butter/jam machine, and a $75 gift card to Lowes to buy new tools from me, and he got my a 2 year membership to Ozark Fitness so I can have some time to myself and to feel better and get back into shape... ;) I can't keep using the "I just had a baby excuse" anymore, haha.
We left around 9 to go to my parents house for the rest of the day. Mom and dad got Robert and I nice new jackets and an awesome new rocking chair and ottoman. Christmas was full of family and relaxing, just as it should be.



New Years eve was very nice as well, Robert took me out to dinner at Chili's and then we went home and watched movies.
As soon as New Years was over, I had to start planning for Autumn's first birthday!! I can't believe she is already 1, it is crazy how fast time flies! We started off the day giving her first present to her, it was the Little Mermaid movie, (which she watched about 3 times)Then, Grandpa Zahn and Vicki, Great-Grandparent Zahns, Steve and Emily, and Laura all came to wish her a happy day! I made a "cupcake-cake" in the shape of flowers and we all sang happy birthday and opened presents. I wish my family could have been there, but we are planning a second birthday for her next week at the lake. All in all she had an awesome birthday with people that love her very much :) What a great day.






Having family around really made me wish my grandparents were there... I miss them a lot. I hope they are doing well... Robert and I are already saving money and planning a trip out there (Hopefully for this spring...)
Things have yet to come to a slower pace, Stephen and Emily get hitched this weekend, maybe after that I can finally slow down. Hopefully I can get internet soon at my house, so I don't have to come to the Library to post anymore.

Sorry this is so long! There has been tons going on!

oh, the Holidays!

Well,
Thanksgiving has come and gone. And so have the leaves. It is now in the low 30's outside and we had snow the other day. Winter is upon us and I love it. There is something very romantic about winter time, the lights, the smells, snow...


We found a little house :) It is a two bedroom all wood floor home with a big backyard for Autumn to play in. I think its going to be a good place to make a home.



Stephen and Emily are engaged and are to be jumping the broom in January. Charlie is Best Man for Stephen, so I get to sit all by myself... that is if I go, I haven't decided yet.

Thanksgiving was amazing as usual, I love the food :D Soo good.

I am busy making a stocking and dress for Autumn, I have never really been a "crafty" person, so this is a new thing for me. I hope it turns out well.

I can't believe Autumn is almost 1! It is CRAZY how fast they grow! It also reminds me that my 2 year anniversary is coming up, goodness... I feel old.


We put up our Christmas tree the other day! It is a 6 1/2 foot Douglas Fir. It smells wonderful. Charlie even put a stringed popcorn on it...


Well, that is all I can think to write for right now, I need to get back into the flow of posting more often...

My little Autumn Nymph!

As Promised, here are the pics of Autumn on Halloween :D

Halloween!!

Whelp! Halloween was tonight!

We went to Spooktacular at the Zoo and then to Uncle Josh's to eat Chili...

And, for Autumn's first Halloween and first big holiday with us she dressed up as a....

*drum roll*


...
A woodland nymph! Complete with a crown and wings of sticks and leaves! She was so cute... Pictures are on there way :)

Emily and Steve came with us making it even more fun. As I type, we are all sitting in Dad's living room watching a Steve Martin movie. Steve dressed up as a mexican jack-o-lantern and Emily was... well... I am not sure... haha, but she was cute as usual.

Autumn is sleeping after a long day... She was so tired, it was really hard getting good photos of her costume. I might have to re-dress her up to take better pictures.

I have decided that it is IMPERATIVE that I get a camera. Too many important things are passing by without pictures being taken to document the memories. Sad day.

We almost have the house on Jefferson that we have been waiting For-ev-ver to get into. It is on 3 acres. It is going to take some serious cleaning and fixing up, but I believe it will be WAY worth it.

Seth has district Cross Country tomorrow! Wish him luck, I am sure he will do awesome.

I will post pictures of Autumn's costume as soon as I get um'. Until next time, adieu.

Wellllll.....

We are back in MO!
It was such a huge shock coming from 90 degree weather to 60 degree weather. We were shivering as we walked through the door of my father-in-laws. It is SO beautiful here. I guess I didn't know what I had until I left it. Here's a hint to anyone who is getting tired of Missouri... Go spend 3 months in Arizona. I guarantee you will have a much greater appreciation for it.
I have been dreaming of leaves for sometime now, and I can happily report that they are heavenly.
This is truly heaven on earth.
Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday. I love the spookiness and the haunted houses and the pumpkins and all the candy. It is awesome. It brings together all of my favorite things. Since I have gotten back to MO, I have been jump-started into Halloween mode.
Playing in leaves.
Carving Pumpkins.
Drinking Cider.
It is glorious.
We took autumn photos of Autumn. I got her a Halloween outfit and stuck her in a bunch of leaves. She is too cute, I have NO idea where she gets it. Though, her dad is pretty cute...





We carved pumpkins at Geoff's... I guess it is now a tradition to carve pumpkins over there. It is pretty sweet, all the pumpkins rocked my socks off. I had bought the biggest pumpkin I could find and carved it into a creepy, flaming, baby-pumpkin eating jack-o-lantern. Awesome. It turned out better than I thought it would. I am not too good at carving...
Charlie/Robert (I am back in the mode of calling him Robert due to being surrounded by Zahns...) carved a sweet face on his that had a strange eyeball...
Laura carved one that had a runny nose...
Steve carved a sea-turtle... yeah... flippin' sweet.
Kelly carved an anime pumpkin that was awesome...
Cole a chesare-cat...
and Geoff continued his tradition of carving stick-men in danger, this time falling down the stairs.

All in all, the road less traveled has seen a lot of traffic - As Robert just said to me as I wrote this post-

The search for a home has been pretty tough, if anyone has any suggestions our budget is anything under 500... preferably around 450. 2 bedroom.
Until next time. Have a terribly frightening Halloween! :D

A lot of Happenings...

Well, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote...

Charlie and I have starting going to the park often, its been nice to just sit there and enjoy the ducks and sunsets. There is a dog park, so Lilly can play and Autumn spends her time squealing at all of the other dogs. We sit in front of a small fire made of pine cones and watch the clouds roll by. Oh, such a peaceful time, just my little family and I.





Charlie had court... Heavenly Father blessed us beyond our understanding. The judge was a kind man with a smile in his eyes. As he joked with the other people around him, he let my husband off with about 1/3 of the amount we thought we were going to have to pay and dropped 2 of his tickets. Whew, what a relief.

We went camping that night in celebration of our bad day turned good. We drove upto to Sedona near Sliding Rock. We got to see trees and have a nice warm campfire. Autumn and Lilly came along. They both thrive in the great outdoors. Autumn does nothing but laugh and smile at everything, I swear, nothing fazes or scares that baby girl. I am so blessed. We left our campsite around 6 in the morning, just in time to see the sun rising over the infamous red-rocks of Arizona. Beautiful.





Charlie almost lost his job. A miss-communication among his managers caused them to make a mistake that caused him to be written up for a no-call no-show. He went to work today and basically got fired. He explained his situation, and they changed their tune. I swear, I hate that place more and more each day.

Now for the most important news of late:
We are coming home. MSU, unexpectedly offered us a very good deal. They are offering to forgive Charlie's outstanding fees if he returns to school in the Spring. This would save us a LOT of money. So, we are yet again changing out path and heading back to the Ozarks. I am very sad and happy at the same time. I love AZ. I love being with family. We have made awesome friends here that I will miss as well... But I also miss my mother and the green. It all comes down to school, and school is where we must go. So, Missouri... the Zahns are coming back.




I want to go to the fair tonight... We may go, that should be a fun time. :D

Life is so confusing, yet so amazing all at the same time. I am excited to see the leaves.

It's finally hitting home...

I have come to realize a fact that is very, VERY hard to swallow.
It is fall.
Yet, My scenery is not going to change. Great scott, what will I do.
Where are the changing leaves?
The 70 degree days?
The pumpkin patches?
Alas. They are gone...

Sad day. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving... I am having serious withdrawals.
This weekend in Conference! I am super excited. I adore conference, it is such a spiritual boost.
I started my new job and I love it. It is awesome, very laid back and refreshing at the same time.
I am training right now, but soon I will be working Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights 8 p.m. to 8 a.m.
I take care of animals that have neurological problems... It is pretty neat. I am the only one there at night, so it is also less stress on me.
I am excited for the pay check so I can get Charlie a moped :D

So to those of you who have leaves in your yard, enjoy it... because there are parts of the country that can't have what you have.

Lack of Moolah.

I had the coolest dream last night. I dreamt that Charlie was Superman, and that he could fly me around and stuff. It was pretty nifty. The strange thing was is that he was wearing his suit and vest and seemed a little taller than usual. Oh and I forgot to say what I was doing... I was a zoologist that always had a zebra at my side. It may have been a strange dream, but it was pretty neat for me.. eh anyways, I think I'll stop rambling now.





I am going to try to donate plasma today so that I can afford to buy scrubs for my job tomorrow. I hope it works out. I have to call and ask my aunt mary if she can watch autumn, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. It takes around 7 hours to donate as a new donor, so it is going to be a VERY long long day. But I guess it is worth it in the end, I will be able to get Scrubs and groceries. Woo. :S

This Just In:

Charlie's Job Sucks. Seriously, it is the most terrible place ever. I hope he gets a new job soon...

Lessons Learned the Hard Way...

I have been at a loss for words lately, so I think I may just update on the things that have been going on and then maybe I can think of some insight to go along with it...

We have had a very ROUGH week. My poor husband got into a fender-bender last Saturday, on the highway. Well, his license was suspended in MO and we neglected to take care of it before we moved (bad, bad, BAD move) So push comes to shove and the cop that dealt with the accident impounded our car. This was one of those moments where you just feel like hitting your self in the head repeating the word "stupid". ..
Well, my darling (yet sometimes lacking common sense) husband, walks/takes the bus home from Tempe/Mesa area and decides not call his poor over-worrying wife to tell her he is okay... by the time he got home it was 4 hours past the time he got off work... So lets just say, it was a VERY bad day. Well... I stress and cry a lot about the whole situation, feeling completely helpless for a few days, until by some miracle we come up with a way to get our car back. Talk about a load of bricks off the chest, Phew!
Though a bad week it was, it was definantly a learning week. Kind of a slap in the face to let us know that we are slacking on some of the important things in our life.
So, enough with the stessful stuff and onto some happy news:

Autumn has two new teeth! She can now officialy bite things, good for you autumn! They are so cute, those two little white stubs sticking up from her bottom gums... hehe

I got a Job!!! Hooray for me!!!
I will be working at a Vet Nurological Center Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights 8 p.m. to 8 a.m., taking care of animals and stuff like that. I am excited to finally contribute financialy to our family and to also get out of the house for a little bit each week. I am so excited for this opportunity! Expecially because with the money I earn, I can buy Charlie a Moped to drive to work :D

What else? Tomorrow is Grandma's Birthday! Happy Birthday Grandma!!

Well... it's 11 p.m. and Charlie still isn't home... He probrably wont be home for another hour, so I guess I should go to bed, since I have to get up so early.

I will close with a few things that I have learned/strengthened this past week:
1. I love my little family more than anything, I hope they know that.
2. There is nothing better than friends that you can just "hang" around and be bored with and feel comfortable and happy together.
3. I love my car. Thank GOODNESS for my car.
4. I think I want another baby soon...
5. I miss my mom.
6. When I get down to the bare-bone facts, my soul belongs in the Ozarks. It's where all my family is from... we are all okies at heart, and the Ozarks are a hard thing to forget.
7. I need to get my degree.
8. Smiling really does make you feel better.

Well, until the next time, adieu.