Halloween or no Halloween...

I need some input.  We just moved ourselves into a cabin out in basically the "Middle of Nowhere".  We are living in an awesome place that would look amazing if I decorated for halloween.  But who would I be decorating for?  We won't be getting any trick-or-treaters and I am not having a party...   

Yet, this is my FAVORITE holiday.   I love it.  It would be a shame not to decorate... I am stuck, what should I do? 

Drooling

over these books...

Make Good Books

I most especially want this one... I would make EVERY single piece in this book. 

So, so dang adorable.

GOALS! so exciting :D

I have finished all of my "Pre-Baby" goals!!!!

1. I made a mobile

2. I made a baby sling

3. I made his quilt/bedding

4. I taught myself how to knit

5. I knitted a super-soft-alpaca-yarn-gray-gnome hat!!

I will post pictures of everything as soon as I find my camera batteries...

I feel awesome! Usually projects (especially those of the crafty kind) are my biggest downfall. I start them, then I get stressed out, stress leads to anxiety and then I find that I never finish it only to tell myself I was better off not doing it in the first place. I know, I'm sad. But I did it this time! I am so proud of myself, that I am ready to name my final, GRAND FINALE, goal......\

I am going to lose 60 lbs.

I can finish things, I know I can, so now I am going to get my life back into gear. From the time I got pregnant with Autumn until now (9 months pregnant with Liam) I have gained about 30 lbs extra weight to what I usually am used to. I feel like crap! I am supposed to be 21 years old and I feel like I am in the worst shape of my life. Losing 60 lbs is going to get me down to my "this is what I have always wanted to be" shape. I will be 125 lbs and feeling awesome! I am way stoked.

I start after Liam is born, but I have been planning this in my head for about the past 9 months now. It is going to be a LONG journey, but I know I can do it (especially if I have help and support from everyone around me!)

So, when this baby comes, it TRULY is a new chapter in my life.
And, to top it all off... I have a prize waiting me at the end of the tunnel...

SHOPPING SPREE FOR NEW CLOTHES! I have talked it over with Charlie and he agreed to let me use part of our tax refund (which is going to be awesome thanks to my two kids :D ) to get myself a new wardrobe when the time comes... considering I wont fit into ANYTHING that I own right now.

I am so excited! I will keep everyone posted on here, not because I think you are all super interested, but because it will help me keep going.

So for now, I am pregnant and will enjoy a bowl of ice cream (I'm 9 months along! I have to have something to make me feel better ;) ) But in just a little while, I will be on my way. Awesome Opossum.

costumes!

I am going to be Juno or a witch for Halloween, I am not sure...That is, if I am still pregnant.... I am sort of hoping I am not. But if I am, maybe I can hope to have him on halloween, that would be awesome.

So that Others May Live

I would follow my husband to the end of the earth if he asked me to so I guess this next decision he is going to make shouldn't be hard for me to just go with...

Liam is due in a few weeks and after that, we are moving into Dad's cabin for a total of 6 months, after that Robert (Charlie) is going to be heading off to boot camp for the Air Force. I am not scared about the Air Force, in fact I am excited to be finally making a step forward in our lives with schooling and finances. The idea of traveling and experiencing new things sounds enticing and I am ready for it. The part that has me uneasy is he has decided that the job he would like to do is Pararescue.

Pararescue is in simpler terms this:
Provide emergency medical treatment necessary to stabilize and evacuate injured personnel while acting in an enemy evading recovery role. Pararescuemen also act as aircrew gunners and scanners on fixed and rotary wing aircraft while performing flight following duties. In addition, pararescuemen provide contingency landing sites for NASA missions.

They are the most severely trained men in the entire US Military. The training is 2 years and is known as "Superman School", or "The Pipeline". The training is so demanding that the drop out rate is usually around 90%. They learn everything from the simple things, like jumping out of planes and medical treatments, to the more difficult things like learning how to not fear death by actually letting yourself hold your breath until you pass out under water. These are the guys you see in movies pulling injured military guys out of combat or out of sinking ships. They are the 911 of the Military. Any member or any service goes down, they call the USAF Pararescue. Women are not allowed to become them and most men don't make it. The trouble is...
I think Charlie could.


I am not a ninny, I will not expect my husband to sit behind a desk just so I can make sure he comes home safe every night. I am married to him for time and all eternity and I know that is NOT going to change. I want him, (as I expect him to let me) to not only enjoy, but experience life as much as he can while he is here to do it. If becoming a hero so "That Others May Live" is what he wants, then sweet heart, I will be by your side till the end.
...
Yet, I am scared out of my mind.

Life seems so fragile when put into this perspective.

I would like to think of myself as a strong woman, but, a lot of things make me feel so week. I need to work on that.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
In other news, I am still huge and pregnant. This time around is so uncomfortable, if all else I want it to be done so I can at least sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. I canceled my baby shower for a couple of reasons. One main reason being that my mother has a lot on her plate right now and I didn't want her to worry about it, another being I didn't want to make people come to something they really didn't want to be at. I know, it is just because of my depression, but I just feel really friendless at this moment in time...
I hope people come to the hospital this time to see my new little boy... With Autumn, it felt like such a beautiful thing was washed away with a lot of anxiety and sadness. She was in the NICU for 14 days, 14 long, hard, sleepless days. No balloons or "It's a girl" posters, just two very scared parents watching nurses poke her with needles and fill her with tubes. I hope with all my might that my experience this time is more bright, less drama, more happiness. The birth of my little girl was one the best days of my life, I just wish it could have felt more like that for other people as well.

Until the day comes when I am being taken to the Labor and Delivery unit, I will be spending my time packing, baking, making a quilt, chasing a toddler, cleaning and worrying way, way too much about the future.

home alone

Well, Autumn is at grandma's and so I am home alone with nothing to do but sleep and work on Liam's nursery. I am starting to get very anxious, but I know things will work out well in the end. I have finished his mobile, so I am in the middle of doing the quilt. It is the first quilt I have ever done, and ontop of that I have made the entire thing up, from drawing out the patterns on construction paper to painting the fabric my mom gave me to be the print I want. I am feeling quite creative I guess. When I get it done, I'll post pictures...

I am 33 weeks today... It is weird to think I have about 4 weeks left until I am as far along as I was when Autumn was born. There is still so much to do!

We are moving into the Cabin. I am excited, yet I am a little uncertain at how much I am actually going to be allowed to make it my home. We'll see I guess.

7 weeks and counting...

Since when does time fly by fast when you are pregnant??

I am starting to get really nervous about the coming of my little boy... Most everything is NOT done and ready for him and I only have about a month and a half until he could be here. I have a mobile to make, a swing to recover and paint, a changing table to restore and paint, a quilt to make, and on top of that I have a toddler that needs attention as well. Can I add about 3 months to this pregnancy thing? It is so strange to feel rushed about a baby coming, with Autumn I was ready to get her here as soon as I hit 6 months. Crazy.

new post

90 days.

Beautiful weather.

I will have trouble making a better jack-o-lantern than last year.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make Autumn's teeth stop hurting.

My feet are swollen.

I miss having friends.

My thoughts are working overtime today.

Pointless...

There is only so much a person can do to help others in certain situations. You know the feeling? Helplessness? Looking at what is going on and knowing that there is absolutely nothing you can do? I have stepped into one of those. It is such a gross feeling. Someone I care a ton about has put themselves into quite the predicament. Now, depressed and feeling alone they feel that they have to keep treading on into this crazy problem... Even though they don't have to. In fact, they can take the chance to turn their life around and start on a fresh path. But, there are so many factors and the top one being that they don't want to quit again. Yet, in my opinion, some things are worth quitting. I guess you could compare it to smoking... SO, what can I do?

Complain to my husband about it. That is really all that can be done.

This post is pointless. I just needed a place to rant I guess...

Lessons...

There is so much on my mind this fine morning that I can't really figure out where to start...

I don't know if it has been the pregnancy hormones or even just the heat that has had me in a sour mood the past couple of days. I have been on this, "poor, pitiful me" kick. It has put me into such a disgusting state of mind that I haven't been able to find happiness in much of anything. Most of the time I found myself being jealous or sad because of things that I don't or didn't get to have in my life. I thought about not having a wedding or a dress... or the fact that my ring was the cheapest thing we could find that wasn't made of plastic. I got stuck on thinking about not being able to decorate my nursery with beautiful furniture, or pick out clothes for my little girl from the store. I thought about clothes and how I haven't been shopping since I was in high school or how much I would love to be able to go on a date with my husband that didn't involve scrimping and saving to get 75 cent legs from Buffalo Wild Wings... All of these thoughts, these materialistic, selfish, disgusting thoughts were swimming around in my head making me a very materialistic, selfish and disgusting person. Not only did it effect me, it effected my family as well.
Well, to put it as blunt as I can, I will never let myself slip into a rut like this again. I truly do enjoy my life and I have no excuse for the way I have been lately. True, my family and I make sacrifices, but in many ways those sacrifices have made my life more beautiful and rewarding than it ever could have been.
I get to be a stay at home mom because we don't spend our money frivolously on things that we don't need. We don't spend money on the movies, going out to eat, or having TV... Instead we go hiking and camping spending time together outdoors. Things that people have made necessities turn out to be almost burdensome objects that turn people against the simple things in life and in my opinion I am lucky to not have to deal with that. I make a lot Autumn dresses and I was able to make my house a home without spending any money on store bought decor. I am proud of myself and my life.
True, I could have gone into debt on a wedding and a dress. I could have picked out a ring with a nice rock on it for all to see... But where would that have got me? It would have given me a story about the day I spent too much money to show off to a bunch of people that I don't even really know. To me, my husband and being sealed together was the important part and that makes me feel more beautiful than anyone ever could feel standing in a big white dress.
My clothes smell like the wind because I wash and dry them outside. My house is peaceful because instead of a TV blaring I can hear my little girl singing. I don't need my husband to take me out for me to feel important... sitting on the front porch swing at night is enough. I am blessed. Even with all the money in the world, my life couldn't be more rich.

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday Grandpa.
Remember... You have at least 10 more years of flicking me on the head left in you..




I love you grandpa.

Alice in Wonderland

I am psyched. I never thought my favorite disney movie could ever get better, but I may be proven wrong. I am proud to present the first trailer for Alice in Wonderland coming out in 2010. I will definitely be seeing this in theaters. Tim Burton is a Genius.



Here are a few other movies I am highly anticipating :)

Ugh, sickness is sick.

Nothing is worse than seeing someone you care about sick as sick gets. My dear husband is extremely under the weather, in fact as I am typing right now I can hear the bathroom door closing and yet another puke coming from behind it...
I rushed to walmart this morning at about 6 to get ginger and gatorade, I hope it helps.

I can tell its going to be a long day since last night went without sleep. Oh well, the life of a wife right?

Here is a cartoon to make anyone who just read my sad blog feel better.

I woke up this morning with a lot of quiestions floating in my brain. Usually its a song or something... so I was feeling slightly anxious. It through me straight into one of my "list-making" moods. So, out came the steno pad and the pen.

I feel incomplete. I have yet to figure out why. Out of the 5 lists I wrote this morning of goals and to-dos, I still feel that tug of things missing. I guess its just a weird feeling being at my parents house pregnant with my second kid, watching my little girl run around. I am 21 years old. I graduated highschool in 2006... now as I come to the end of 2009 I am the mother of two who spends her free time cleaning house, reading and making stockings for my children. I have come a long way from 2006 when I ate at Denny's with friends at 1:00 in the morning, worked all the time and spent most of my time riding jet skies or starting things on fire. Weird.

Yet, what is so un-fulfilling about being a wife and mom? There couldn't be anything more rewarding... I am still confused at this void I have hanging over my head today.

Here is the list I made of goals for my soul:

Things to do for my insides:

1. Increase my knowledge of things
a. go back to school
b. read books more often that don't involve wizards or rabbits...
c. pay closer attention to my suroundings

2. Get a hobbie
a. something worth the time
b. something that makes me happy

3. Make a friend.
a. other than my husband and kids...

This is just the top of the list... I would hate to bore the few people that actually read this thing. As you can see I have some work to do to fill in some gaps. I believe the hardest thing will be to make a friend... I am not good at it, I think its because I am kind of a hard person to like, people seem skeptical of me. But alas, I need a bosom friend and I need one bad, I fear I am too lonely for my own good.

Until then, I will resort to ice cream to fill in the gaps of my soul. Its creamy-smoothness seems to fill it in well.

On a different note... This is a picture of my at 10 months old. For those of you who know what autumn looks like, it is kinda creepy...

News

It has been WAY too long!

Yet I don't have much to say...

Here's the news:

1. Autumn can say "bubble" and "please".
2. Steven shot his foot, now he has a wobbly toe and he and his wife just sit at home all day.
3. We are looking for a rental closer to everything in town.
4. We got a lot more than we thought we would at tax season... so we are going on a honeymoon!
5. The honeymoon is going to be the next two weeks in WA and OR.
6. Charlie is working at ZLB again :)
7. Geoff is going to Harvard this summer.
8. My father-in-law is getting married in June.
9. I am 6 weeks pregnant!!
10. I hope it's a boy ;)

Here's a few things to make this post more interesting...

The Holidays are comming to an end :(...

Alas! The holidays are over!
We started the holiday season out with baking. I think we baked for about 3 days straight... I made fudge, truffles, peanut brittle, cookies, eggnog, chocolate covered pretzels and we baked gingerbread for about 6 different houses... Our oven was constantly going, our house smelled wonderful though. We invited the family over to decorate gingerbread houses. Everyone showed up, even my mom and Seth came, it was really nice to just chill and have fun.




Christmas was awesome, as it usually is. It was Autumn's first Christmas and I think Robert and I were more excited than her. We scraped together all that we could to make this Christmas special for her. On Christmas eve we went to Grandpa Zahn's to eat dinner and then went home to open up pajamas. The next morning Autumn woke up to see the new piano and stuffed animals Santa Clause gave her, along with The Jungle Book movie from mom and dad. Robert got a leatherman, bread/butter/jam machine, and a $75 gift card to Lowes to buy new tools from me, and he got my a 2 year membership to Ozark Fitness so I can have some time to myself and to feel better and get back into shape... ;) I can't keep using the "I just had a baby excuse" anymore, haha.
We left around 9 to go to my parents house for the rest of the day. Mom and dad got Robert and I nice new jackets and an awesome new rocking chair and ottoman. Christmas was full of family and relaxing, just as it should be.



New Years eve was very nice as well, Robert took me out to dinner at Chili's and then we went home and watched movies.
As soon as New Years was over, I had to start planning for Autumn's first birthday!! I can't believe she is already 1, it is crazy how fast time flies! We started off the day giving her first present to her, it was the Little Mermaid movie, (which she watched about 3 times)Then, Grandpa Zahn and Vicki, Great-Grandparent Zahns, Steve and Emily, and Laura all came to wish her a happy day! I made a "cupcake-cake" in the shape of flowers and we all sang happy birthday and opened presents. I wish my family could have been there, but we are planning a second birthday for her next week at the lake. All in all she had an awesome birthday with people that love her very much :) What a great day.






Having family around really made me wish my grandparents were there... I miss them a lot. I hope they are doing well... Robert and I are already saving money and planning a trip out there (Hopefully for this spring...)
Things have yet to come to a slower pace, Stephen and Emily get hitched this weekend, maybe after that I can finally slow down. Hopefully I can get internet soon at my house, so I don't have to come to the Library to post anymore.

Sorry this is so long! There has been tons going on!

oh, the Holidays!

Well,
Thanksgiving has come and gone. And so have the leaves. It is now in the low 30's outside and we had snow the other day. Winter is upon us and I love it. There is something very romantic about winter time, the lights, the smells, snow...


We found a little house :) It is a two bedroom all wood floor home with a big backyard for Autumn to play in. I think its going to be a good place to make a home.



Stephen and Emily are engaged and are to be jumping the broom in January. Charlie is Best Man for Stephen, so I get to sit all by myself... that is if I go, I haven't decided yet.

Thanksgiving was amazing as usual, I love the food :D Soo good.

I am busy making a stocking and dress for Autumn, I have never really been a "crafty" person, so this is a new thing for me. I hope it turns out well.

I can't believe Autumn is almost 1! It is CRAZY how fast they grow! It also reminds me that my 2 year anniversary is coming up, goodness... I feel old.


We put up our Christmas tree the other day! It is a 6 1/2 foot Douglas Fir. It smells wonderful. Charlie even put a stringed popcorn on it...


Well, that is all I can think to write for right now, I need to get back into the flow of posting more often...

My little Autumn Nymph!

As Promised, here are the pics of Autumn on Halloween :D

Halloween!!

Whelp! Halloween was tonight!

We went to Spooktacular at the Zoo and then to Uncle Josh's to eat Chili...

And, for Autumn's first Halloween and first big holiday with us she dressed up as a....

*drum roll*


...
A woodland nymph! Complete with a crown and wings of sticks and leaves! She was so cute... Pictures are on there way :)

Emily and Steve came with us making it even more fun. As I type, we are all sitting in Dad's living room watching a Steve Martin movie. Steve dressed up as a mexican jack-o-lantern and Emily was... well... I am not sure... haha, but she was cute as usual.

Autumn is sleeping after a long day... She was so tired, it was really hard getting good photos of her costume. I might have to re-dress her up to take better pictures.

I have decided that it is IMPERATIVE that I get a camera. Too many important things are passing by without pictures being taken to document the memories. Sad day.

We almost have the house on Jefferson that we have been waiting For-ev-ver to get into. It is on 3 acres. It is going to take some serious cleaning and fixing up, but I believe it will be WAY worth it.

Seth has district Cross Country tomorrow! Wish him luck, I am sure he will do awesome.

I will post pictures of Autumn's costume as soon as I get um'. Until next time, adieu.

Wellllll.....

We are back in MO!
It was such a huge shock coming from 90 degree weather to 60 degree weather. We were shivering as we walked through the door of my father-in-laws. It is SO beautiful here. I guess I didn't know what I had until I left it. Here's a hint to anyone who is getting tired of Missouri... Go spend 3 months in Arizona. I guarantee you will have a much greater appreciation for it.
I have been dreaming of leaves for sometime now, and I can happily report that they are heavenly.
This is truly heaven on earth.
Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday. I love the spookiness and the haunted houses and the pumpkins and all the candy. It is awesome. It brings together all of my favorite things. Since I have gotten back to MO, I have been jump-started into Halloween mode.
Playing in leaves.
Carving Pumpkins.
Drinking Cider.
It is glorious.
We took autumn photos of Autumn. I got her a Halloween outfit and stuck her in a bunch of leaves. She is too cute, I have NO idea where she gets it. Though, her dad is pretty cute...





We carved pumpkins at Geoff's... I guess it is now a tradition to carve pumpkins over there. It is pretty sweet, all the pumpkins rocked my socks off. I had bought the biggest pumpkin I could find and carved it into a creepy, flaming, baby-pumpkin eating jack-o-lantern. Awesome. It turned out better than I thought it would. I am not too good at carving...
Charlie/Robert (I am back in the mode of calling him Robert due to being surrounded by Zahns...) carved a sweet face on his that had a strange eyeball...
Laura carved one that had a runny nose...
Steve carved a sea-turtle... yeah... flippin' sweet.
Kelly carved an anime pumpkin that was awesome...
Cole a chesare-cat...
and Geoff continued his tradition of carving stick-men in danger, this time falling down the stairs.

All in all, the road less traveled has seen a lot of traffic - As Robert just said to me as I wrote this post-

The search for a home has been pretty tough, if anyone has any suggestions our budget is anything under 500... preferably around 450. 2 bedroom.
Until next time. Have a terribly frightening Halloween! :D

A lot of Happenings...

Well, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote...

Charlie and I have starting going to the park often, its been nice to just sit there and enjoy the ducks and sunsets. There is a dog park, so Lilly can play and Autumn spends her time squealing at all of the other dogs. We sit in front of a small fire made of pine cones and watch the clouds roll by. Oh, such a peaceful time, just my little family and I.





Charlie had court... Heavenly Father blessed us beyond our understanding. The judge was a kind man with a smile in his eyes. As he joked with the other people around him, he let my husband off with about 1/3 of the amount we thought we were going to have to pay and dropped 2 of his tickets. Whew, what a relief.

We went camping that night in celebration of our bad day turned good. We drove upto to Sedona near Sliding Rock. We got to see trees and have a nice warm campfire. Autumn and Lilly came along. They both thrive in the great outdoors. Autumn does nothing but laugh and smile at everything, I swear, nothing fazes or scares that baby girl. I am so blessed. We left our campsite around 6 in the morning, just in time to see the sun rising over the infamous red-rocks of Arizona. Beautiful.





Charlie almost lost his job. A miss-communication among his managers caused them to make a mistake that caused him to be written up for a no-call no-show. He went to work today and basically got fired. He explained his situation, and they changed their tune. I swear, I hate that place more and more each day.

Now for the most important news of late:
We are coming home. MSU, unexpectedly offered us a very good deal. They are offering to forgive Charlie's outstanding fees if he returns to school in the Spring. This would save us a LOT of money. So, we are yet again changing out path and heading back to the Ozarks. I am very sad and happy at the same time. I love AZ. I love being with family. We have made awesome friends here that I will miss as well... But I also miss my mother and the green. It all comes down to school, and school is where we must go. So, Missouri... the Zahns are coming back.




I want to go to the fair tonight... We may go, that should be a fun time. :D

Life is so confusing, yet so amazing all at the same time. I am excited to see the leaves.

It's finally hitting home...

I have come to realize a fact that is very, VERY hard to swallow.
It is fall.
Yet, My scenery is not going to change. Great scott, what will I do.
Where are the changing leaves?
The 70 degree days?
The pumpkin patches?
Alas. They are gone...

Sad day. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving... I am having serious withdrawals.
This weekend in Conference! I am super excited. I adore conference, it is such a spiritual boost.
I started my new job and I love it. It is awesome, very laid back and refreshing at the same time.
I am training right now, but soon I will be working Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights 8 p.m. to 8 a.m.
I take care of animals that have neurological problems... It is pretty neat. I am the only one there at night, so it is also less stress on me.
I am excited for the pay check so I can get Charlie a moped :D

So to those of you who have leaves in your yard, enjoy it... because there are parts of the country that can't have what you have.