Thank you

 Thank you Heavenly Father for my precious ones.  They are my joy and happiness.

I love you Autumn Jane and Liam Robert, forever and ever.

Christmas Wish List

I figured since everyone is putting down there wish lists on their blogs, I might as well join the crowd.

Here is my wish list for Christmas:

1.  I want Charlie to get into school.

2.  I want to finish Liam's stocking by Christmas eve.

3.  I want to finish all the presents I am making for everyone by at LEAST the day before Christmas eve.

4. 50 extra bucks to buy the last couple of presents I want to get Charlie.

5.  I want to have time to bake goodies for everyone.

6. I want people to actually like the goodies I make for them.

7. I want Liam to sleep through the night.

8. I want Charlie to like what I got him for Christmas. 

9. I want snow, and lots of it.

10. I want to be able to stay active and continue losing weight.

11. I want to get my Christmas cards out... preferably BEFORE Christmas.

12. I want a goat to eat the brush on our land.

13. I want Steve and Emily to come up with a responisble thing to do with their dog.

14. I want the scars on my legs to disappear. 

15. I want a nice evening with my husband that includes hot chocolate no screams from the kids.

And finally, I would like everyone in my family to be stress free and happy this Holiday season.

This is my wish list! Even if I was to only get a few of these things, I would be happy :)

Cheers and Happy Holidays.

Christmas is almost here...

Seriously? 

I have so much to do.  So many presents to make.  So much to bake. 

A fresh start

I am feeling better.  The pain is still there, but I can smile when I think about my Lilly..

That is all I am going to say about that, I realize that life goes on and I need to keep going too. :)

Here's the latest news:

1. Liam is awesome.

2. Autumn is starting to put sentences together... weird.

3. We got a new little puppy.  She is a pug, we have decided *for now* to call her Sage.

       - Charlie and I did not replace Lilly.  We just decided to add a new friend full of happiness and new beginnings.  The way we see it is, why cry alone when you can cry with a new friend?

4. I started off my "lose weight" adventure at 195 (right before I had Liam) I am now 170.  :D I feel really good and am excited to reach my goal.

Liam and Sage 

please bring me needed comfort.

This is really hard.  I am only forcing myself to do this because I believe it will help this massive lump in my stomach to start to go away...

For three years, I have had a little shadow named Lilly.  She has been my constant companion and very best friend (besides my husband) since the day she was brought into my life.  She was the best dog anyone could ever ask for and I don't know if I will ever go a day without remembering her and the joy she brought into my life.  She wasn't just a dog, she was that laugh you needed when you were blue, she was the comfort I needed when I felt alone, she was our camping companion in any weather, she was my Lilly.  I love you Lilly. I always will.  Please wait for me on the other side, I promise to rub your belly for the rest of eternity if you do.

Alas, October has left us...

What an amazing week! We moved last week, it was exhausting as all get-out.... but this week made up for it completely.  Here is a picture of the cabin we moved into...

The week started off on Sunday with the annual pumpkin carve at Geoff and Kelly's house. It went awesome, I love halloween. Everyone's pumpkin looked amazing and I was pretty happy with the way mine turned out.

Here are the pumpkins:

Geoff did his usual "Caution Man" pumpkin and also threw in a one-up mushroom. Both awesome.

Charlie did this AMAZINGLY good pumpkin, he always impresses with his artistic ability.

This just make me laugh, Steve and Emily pulled out an awesome bird (which got cooked by its own candle) and, well, that the other one I don't know what to call...

Kelly made a pumpkin town, it was le super cool.

Lastly, I decided to make a scarecrow this year, I think it turned out pretty neat :).

Okay, so we carved pumpkins... what else happened.....

Oh yeah...

This boy was born! 


Yet another reason to LOVE October.  He is amazing.  I couldn't imagine a more special person than this little guy.  Autumn is at grandma and grandpa's... I can't wait for my two favorite people to meet :)

I miss my little girl so much that I think I will put a fall picture up of her too. 

Halloween or no Halloween...

I need some input.  We just moved ourselves into a cabin out in basically the "Middle of Nowhere".  We are living in an awesome place that would look amazing if I decorated for halloween.  But who would I be decorating for?  We won't be getting any trick-or-treaters and I am not having a party...   

Yet, this is my FAVORITE holiday.   I love it.  It would be a shame not to decorate... I am stuck, what should I do? 

Drooling

over these books...

Make Good Books

I most especially want this one... I would make EVERY single piece in this book. 

So, so dang adorable.

GOALS! so exciting :D

I have finished all of my "Pre-Baby" goals!!!!

1. I made a mobile

2. I made a baby sling

3. I made his quilt/bedding

4. I taught myself how to knit

5. I knitted a super-soft-alpaca-yarn-gray-gnome hat!!

I will post pictures of everything as soon as I find my camera batteries...

I feel awesome! Usually projects (especially those of the crafty kind) are my biggest downfall. I start them, then I get stressed out, stress leads to anxiety and then I find that I never finish it only to tell myself I was better off not doing it in the first place. I know, I'm sad. But I did it this time! I am so proud of myself, that I am ready to name my final, GRAND FINALE, goal......\

I am going to lose 60 lbs.

I can finish things, I know I can, so now I am going to get my life back into gear. From the time I got pregnant with Autumn until now (9 months pregnant with Liam) I have gained about 30 lbs extra weight to what I usually am used to. I feel like crap! I am supposed to be 21 years old and I feel like I am in the worst shape of my life. Losing 60 lbs is going to get me down to my "this is what I have always wanted to be" shape. I will be 125 lbs and feeling awesome! I am way stoked.

I start after Liam is born, but I have been planning this in my head for about the past 9 months now. It is going to be a LONG journey, but I know I can do it (especially if I have help and support from everyone around me!)

So, when this baby comes, it TRULY is a new chapter in my life.
And, to top it all off... I have a prize waiting me at the end of the tunnel...

SHOPPING SPREE FOR NEW CLOTHES! I have talked it over with Charlie and he agreed to let me use part of our tax refund (which is going to be awesome thanks to my two kids :D ) to get myself a new wardrobe when the time comes... considering I wont fit into ANYTHING that I own right now.

I am so excited! I will keep everyone posted on here, not because I think you are all super interested, but because it will help me keep going.

So for now, I am pregnant and will enjoy a bowl of ice cream (I'm 9 months along! I have to have something to make me feel better ;) ) But in just a little while, I will be on my way. Awesome Opossum.

costumes!

I am going to be Juno or a witch for Halloween, I am not sure...That is, if I am still pregnant.... I am sort of hoping I am not. But if I am, maybe I can hope to have him on halloween, that would be awesome.

So that Others May Live

I would follow my husband to the end of the earth if he asked me to so I guess this next decision he is going to make shouldn't be hard for me to just go with...

Liam is due in a few weeks and after that, we are moving into Dad's cabin for a total of 6 months, after that Robert (Charlie) is going to be heading off to boot camp for the Air Force. I am not scared about the Air Force, in fact I am excited to be finally making a step forward in our lives with schooling and finances. The idea of traveling and experiencing new things sounds enticing and I am ready for it. The part that has me uneasy is he has decided that the job he would like to do is Pararescue.

Pararescue is in simpler terms this:
Provide emergency medical treatment necessary to stabilize and evacuate injured personnel while acting in an enemy evading recovery role. Pararescuemen also act as aircrew gunners and scanners on fixed and rotary wing aircraft while performing flight following duties. In addition, pararescuemen provide contingency landing sites for NASA missions.

They are the most severely trained men in the entire US Military. The training is 2 years and is known as "Superman School", or "The Pipeline". The training is so demanding that the drop out rate is usually around 90%. They learn everything from the simple things, like jumping out of planes and medical treatments, to the more difficult things like learning how to not fear death by actually letting yourself hold your breath until you pass out under water. These are the guys you see in movies pulling injured military guys out of combat or out of sinking ships. They are the 911 of the Military. Any member or any service goes down, they call the USAF Pararescue. Women are not allowed to become them and most men don't make it. The trouble is...
I think Charlie could.


I am not a ninny, I will not expect my husband to sit behind a desk just so I can make sure he comes home safe every night. I am married to him for time and all eternity and I know that is NOT going to change. I want him, (as I expect him to let me) to not only enjoy, but experience life as much as he can while he is here to do it. If becoming a hero so "That Others May Live" is what he wants, then sweet heart, I will be by your side till the end.
...
Yet, I am scared out of my mind.

Life seems so fragile when put into this perspective.

I would like to think of myself as a strong woman, but, a lot of things make me feel so week. I need to work on that.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
In other news, I am still huge and pregnant. This time around is so uncomfortable, if all else I want it to be done so I can at least sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. I canceled my baby shower for a couple of reasons. One main reason being that my mother has a lot on her plate right now and I didn't want her to worry about it, another being I didn't want to make people come to something they really didn't want to be at. I know, it is just because of my depression, but I just feel really friendless at this moment in time...
I hope people come to the hospital this time to see my new little boy... With Autumn, it felt like such a beautiful thing was washed away with a lot of anxiety and sadness. She was in the NICU for 14 days, 14 long, hard, sleepless days. No balloons or "It's a girl" posters, just two very scared parents watching nurses poke her with needles and fill her with tubes. I hope with all my might that my experience this time is more bright, less drama, more happiness. The birth of my little girl was one the best days of my life, I just wish it could have felt more like that for other people as well.

Until the day comes when I am being taken to the Labor and Delivery unit, I will be spending my time packing, baking, making a quilt, chasing a toddler, cleaning and worrying way, way too much about the future.

home alone

Well, Autumn is at grandma's and so I am home alone with nothing to do but sleep and work on Liam's nursery. I am starting to get very anxious, but I know things will work out well in the end. I have finished his mobile, so I am in the middle of doing the quilt. It is the first quilt I have ever done, and ontop of that I have made the entire thing up, from drawing out the patterns on construction paper to painting the fabric my mom gave me to be the print I want. I am feeling quite creative I guess. When I get it done, I'll post pictures...

I am 33 weeks today... It is weird to think I have about 4 weeks left until I am as far along as I was when Autumn was born. There is still so much to do!

We are moving into the Cabin. I am excited, yet I am a little uncertain at how much I am actually going to be allowed to make it my home. We'll see I guess.

7 weeks and counting...

Since when does time fly by fast when you are pregnant??

I am starting to get really nervous about the coming of my little boy... Most everything is NOT done and ready for him and I only have about a month and a half until he could be here. I have a mobile to make, a swing to recover and paint, a changing table to restore and paint, a quilt to make, and on top of that I have a toddler that needs attention as well. Can I add about 3 months to this pregnancy thing? It is so strange to feel rushed about a baby coming, with Autumn I was ready to get her here as soon as I hit 6 months. Crazy.

new post

90 days.

Beautiful weather.

I will have trouble making a better jack-o-lantern than last year.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make Autumn's teeth stop hurting.

My feet are swollen.

I miss having friends.

My thoughts are working overtime today.

Pointless...

There is only so much a person can do to help others in certain situations. You know the feeling? Helplessness? Looking at what is going on and knowing that there is absolutely nothing you can do? I have stepped into one of those. It is such a gross feeling. Someone I care a ton about has put themselves into quite the predicament. Now, depressed and feeling alone they feel that they have to keep treading on into this crazy problem... Even though they don't have to. In fact, they can take the chance to turn their life around and start on a fresh path. But, there are so many factors and the top one being that they don't want to quit again. Yet, in my opinion, some things are worth quitting. I guess you could compare it to smoking... SO, what can I do?

Complain to my husband about it. That is really all that can be done.

This post is pointless. I just needed a place to rant I guess...

Lessons...

There is so much on my mind this fine morning that I can't really figure out where to start...

I don't know if it has been the pregnancy hormones or even just the heat that has had me in a sour mood the past couple of days. I have been on this, "poor, pitiful me" kick. It has put me into such a disgusting state of mind that I haven't been able to find happiness in much of anything. Most of the time I found myself being jealous or sad because of things that I don't or didn't get to have in my life. I thought about not having a wedding or a dress... or the fact that my ring was the cheapest thing we could find that wasn't made of plastic. I got stuck on thinking about not being able to decorate my nursery with beautiful furniture, or pick out clothes for my little girl from the store. I thought about clothes and how I haven't been shopping since I was in high school or how much I would love to be able to go on a date with my husband that didn't involve scrimping and saving to get 75 cent legs from Buffalo Wild Wings... All of these thoughts, these materialistic, selfish, disgusting thoughts were swimming around in my head making me a very materialistic, selfish and disgusting person. Not only did it effect me, it effected my family as well.
Well, to put it as blunt as I can, I will never let myself slip into a rut like this again. I truly do enjoy my life and I have no excuse for the way I have been lately. True, my family and I make sacrifices, but in many ways those sacrifices have made my life more beautiful and rewarding than it ever could have been.
I get to be a stay at home mom because we don't spend our money frivolously on things that we don't need. We don't spend money on the movies, going out to eat, or having TV... Instead we go hiking and camping spending time together outdoors. Things that people have made necessities turn out to be almost burdensome objects that turn people against the simple things in life and in my opinion I am lucky to not have to deal with that. I make a lot Autumn dresses and I was able to make my house a home without spending any money on store bought decor. I am proud of myself and my life.
True, I could have gone into debt on a wedding and a dress. I could have picked out a ring with a nice rock on it for all to see... But where would that have got me? It would have given me a story about the day I spent too much money to show off to a bunch of people that I don't even really know. To me, my husband and being sealed together was the important part and that makes me feel more beautiful than anyone ever could feel standing in a big white dress.
My clothes smell like the wind because I wash and dry them outside. My house is peaceful because instead of a TV blaring I can hear my little girl singing. I don't need my husband to take me out for me to feel important... sitting on the front porch swing at night is enough. I am blessed. Even with all the money in the world, my life couldn't be more rich.

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday Grandpa.
Remember... You have at least 10 more years of flicking me on the head left in you..




I love you grandpa.

Alice in Wonderland

I am psyched. I never thought my favorite disney movie could ever get better, but I may be proven wrong. I am proud to present the first trailer for Alice in Wonderland coming out in 2010. I will definitely be seeing this in theaters. Tim Burton is a Genius.



Here are a few other movies I am highly anticipating :)

Ugh, sickness is sick.

Nothing is worse than seeing someone you care about sick as sick gets. My dear husband is extremely under the weather, in fact as I am typing right now I can hear the bathroom door closing and yet another puke coming from behind it...
I rushed to walmart this morning at about 6 to get ginger and gatorade, I hope it helps.

I can tell its going to be a long day since last night went without sleep. Oh well, the life of a wife right?

Here is a cartoon to make anyone who just read my sad blog feel better.

I woke up this morning with a lot of quiestions floating in my brain. Usually its a song or something... so I was feeling slightly anxious. It through me straight into one of my "list-making" moods. So, out came the steno pad and the pen.

I feel incomplete. I have yet to figure out why. Out of the 5 lists I wrote this morning of goals and to-dos, I still feel that tug of things missing. I guess its just a weird feeling being at my parents house pregnant with my second kid, watching my little girl run around. I am 21 years old. I graduated highschool in 2006... now as I come to the end of 2009 I am the mother of two who spends her free time cleaning house, reading and making stockings for my children. I have come a long way from 2006 when I ate at Denny's with friends at 1:00 in the morning, worked all the time and spent most of my time riding jet skies or starting things on fire. Weird.

Yet, what is so un-fulfilling about being a wife and mom? There couldn't be anything more rewarding... I am still confused at this void I have hanging over my head today.

Here is the list I made of goals for my soul:

Things to do for my insides:

1. Increase my knowledge of things
a. go back to school
b. read books more often that don't involve wizards or rabbits...
c. pay closer attention to my suroundings

2. Get a hobbie
a. something worth the time
b. something that makes me happy

3. Make a friend.
a. other than my husband and kids...

This is just the top of the list... I would hate to bore the few people that actually read this thing. As you can see I have some work to do to fill in some gaps. I believe the hardest thing will be to make a friend... I am not good at it, I think its because I am kind of a hard person to like, people seem skeptical of me. But alas, I need a bosom friend and I need one bad, I fear I am too lonely for my own good.

Until then, I will resort to ice cream to fill in the gaps of my soul. Its creamy-smoothness seems to fill it in well.

On a different note... This is a picture of my at 10 months old. For those of you who know what autumn looks like, it is kinda creepy...