Liam is due in a few weeks and after that, we are moving into Dad's cabin for a total of 6 months, after that Robert (Charlie) is going to be heading off to boot camp for the Air Force. I am not scared about the Air Force, in fact I am excited to be finally making a step forward in our lives with schooling and finances. The idea of traveling and experiencing new things sounds enticing and I am ready for it. The part that has me uneasy is he has decided that the job he would like to do is Pararescue.
Pararescue is in simpler terms this:
Provide emergency medical treatment necessary to stabilize and evacuate injured personnel while acting in an enemy evading recovery role. Pararescuemen also act as aircrew gunners and scanners on fixed and rotary wing aircraft while performing flight following duties. In addition, pararescuemen provide contingency landing sites for NASA missions.
They are the most severely trained men in the entire US Military. The training is 2 years and is known as "Superman School", or "The Pipeline". The training is so demanding that the drop out rate is usually around 90%. They learn everything from the simple things, like jumping out of planes and medical treatments, to the more difficult things like learning how to not fear death by actually letting yourself hold your breath until you pass out under water. These are the guys you see in movies pulling injured military guys out of combat or out of sinking ships. They are the 911 of the Military. Any member or any service goes down, they call the USAF Pararescue. Women are not allowed to become them and most men don't make it. The trouble is...
I think Charlie could.
I am not a ninny, I will not expect my husband to sit behind a desk just so I can make sure he comes home safe every night. I am married to him for time and all eternity and I know that is NOT going to change. I want him, (as I expect him to let me) to not only enjoy, but experience life as much as he can while he is here to do it. If becoming a hero so "That Others May Live" is what he wants, then sweet heart, I will be by your side till the end.
...
Yet, I am scared out of my mind.
Life seems so fragile when put into this perspective.
I would like to think of myself as a strong woman, but, a lot of things make me feel so week. I need to work on that.
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In other news, I am still huge and pregnant. This time around is so uncomfortable, if all else I want it to be done so I can at least sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. I canceled my baby shower for a couple of reasons. One main reason being that my mother has a lot on her plate right now and I didn't want her to worry about it, another being I didn't want to make people come to something they really didn't want to be at. I know, it is just because of my depression, but I just feel really friendless at this moment in time...
I hope people come to the hospital this time to see my new little boy... With Autumn, it felt like such a beautiful thing was washed away with a lot of anxiety and sadness. She was in the NICU for 14 days, 14 long, hard, sleepless days. No balloons or "It's a girl" posters, just two very scared parents watching nurses poke her with needles and fill her with tubes. I hope with all my might that my experience this time is more bright, less drama, more happiness. The birth of my little girl was one the best days of my life, I just wish it could have felt more like that for other people as well.
Until the day comes when I am being taken to the Labor and Delivery unit, I will be spending my time packing, baking, making a quilt, chasing a toddler, cleaning and worrying way, way too much about the future.
3 comments:
1. Great music on your sidebar.
2. You are so brave to let Charlie do this--I don't think I could do it. Chris has talked about doing something like that--but I wasn't having it. :S
3. I want to come see your new baby! Unless that would be weird... I'll send you my phone number via FB.
I am going to be in town next week and would love to see you guys if can! Life is crazy for you and I understand but if it will work let me know:)
I (kind of) know the feeling about coming to terms with your husband's life being in danger. Bryce had a kidney transplant back in 2002 and his health has been good since but he is constantly on medications and will have to have another transplant in another 8-10 years. His immune system is very low and I worry every time he gets sick. While this isn't something he chooses to do for a living, thus making our situations VERY different, having to think about your husband not being alive anymore is never something fun to think about. We love you, truly. We will be praying that all goes well with the birth if Liam.
First, I can't wait to come see your little boy when he is born. Second, good call on the Iron & Wine. Sometimes a person needs something that sounds a bit like their own sadness, I think. And third, Charlie is just exactly the sort of person to do something "so that others may live", and you are just exactly the sort of person to support him unfailingly. You two are great people.
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