There is so much on my mind this fine morning that I can't really figure out where to start...
I don't know if it has been the pregnancy hormones or even just the heat that has had me in a sour mood the past couple of days. I have been on this, "poor, pitiful me" kick. It has put me into such a disgusting state of mind that I haven't been able to find happiness in much of anything. Most of the time I found myself being jealous or sad because of things that I don't or didn't get to have in my life. I thought about not having a wedding or a dress... or the fact that my ring was the cheapest thing we could find that wasn't made of plastic. I got stuck on thinking about not being able to decorate my nursery with beautiful furniture, or pick out clothes for my little girl from the store. I thought about clothes and how I haven't been shopping since I was in high school or how much I would love to be able to go on a date with my husband that didn't involve scrimping and saving to get 75 cent legs from Buffalo Wild Wings... All of these thoughts, these materialistic, selfish, disgusting thoughts were swimming around in my head making me a very materialistic, selfish and disgusting person. Not only did it effect me, it effected my family as well.
Well, to put it as blunt as I can, I will never let myself slip into a rut like this again. I truly do enjoy my life and I have no excuse for the way I have been lately. True, my family and I make sacrifices, but in many ways those sacrifices have made my life more beautiful and rewarding than it ever could have been.
I get to be a stay at home mom because we don't spend our money frivolously on things that we don't need. We don't spend money on the movies, going out to eat, or having TV... Instead we go hiking and camping spending time together outdoors. Things that people have made necessities turn out to be almost burdensome objects that turn people against the simple things in life and in my opinion I am lucky to not have to deal with that. I make a lot Autumn dresses and I was able to make my house a home without spending any money on store bought decor. I am proud of myself and my life.
True, I could have gone into debt on a wedding and a dress. I could have picked out a ring with a nice rock on it for all to see... But where would that have got me? It would have given me a story about the day I spent too much money to show off to a bunch of people that I don't even really know. To me, my husband and being sealed together was the important part and that makes me feel more beautiful than anyone ever could feel standing in a big white dress.
My clothes smell like the wind because I wash and dry them outside. My house is peaceful because instead of a TV blaring I can hear my little girl singing. I don't need my husband to take me out for me to feel important... sitting on the front porch swing at night is enough. I am blessed. Even with all the money in the world, my life couldn't be more rich.