Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I am going to be Juno or a witch for Halloween, I am not sure...That is, if I am still pregnant.... I am sort of hoping I am not. But if I am, maybe I can hope to have him on halloween, that would be awesome.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

So that Others May Live

I would follow my husband to the end of the earth if he asked me to so I guess this next decision he is going to make shouldn't be hard for me to just go with...

Liam is due in a few weeks and after that, we are moving into Dad's cabin for a total of 6 months, after that Robert (Charlie) is going to be heading off to boot camp for the Air Force. I am not scared about the Air Force, in fact I am excited to be finally making a step forward in our lives with schooling and finances. The idea of traveling and experiencing new things sounds enticing and I am ready for it. The part that has me uneasy is he has decided that the job he would like to do is Pararescue.

Pararescue is in simpler terms this:
Provide emergency medical treatment necessary to stabilize and evacuate injured personnel while acting in an enemy evading recovery role. Pararescuemen also act as aircrew gunners and scanners on fixed and rotary wing aircraft while performing flight following duties. In addition, pararescuemen provide contingency landing sites for NASA missions.

They are the most severely trained men in the entire US Military. The training is 2 years and is known as "Superman School", or "The Pipeline". The training is so demanding that the drop out rate is usually around 90%. They learn everything from the simple things, like jumping out of planes and medical treatments, to the more difficult things like learning how to not fear death by actually letting yourself hold your breath until you pass out under water. These are the guys you see in movies pulling injured military guys out of combat or out of sinking ships. They are the 911 of the Military. Any member or any service goes down, they call the USAF Pararescue. Women are not allowed to become them and most men don't make it. The trouble is...
I think Charlie could.

I am not a ninny, I will not expect my husband to sit behind a desk just so I can make sure he comes home safe every night. I am married to him for time and all eternity and I know that is NOT going to change. I want him, (as I expect him to let me) to not only enjoy, but experience life as much as he can while he is here to do it. If becoming a hero so "That Others May Live" is what he wants, then sweet heart, I will be by your side till the end.
Yet, I am scared out of my mind.

Life seems so fragile when put into this perspective.

I would like to think of myself as a strong woman, but, a lot of things make me feel so week. I need to work on that.

In other news, I am still huge and pregnant. This time around is so uncomfortable, if all else I want it to be done so I can at least sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. I canceled my baby shower for a couple of reasons. One main reason being that my mother has a lot on her plate right now and I didn't want her to worry about it, another being I didn't want to make people come to something they really didn't want to be at. I know, it is just because of my depression, but I just feel really friendless at this moment in time...
I hope people come to the hospital this time to see my new little boy... With Autumn, it felt like such a beautiful thing was washed away with a lot of anxiety and sadness. She was in the NICU for 14 days, 14 long, hard, sleepless days. No balloons or "It's a girl" posters, just two very scared parents watching nurses poke her with needles and fill her with tubes. I hope with all my might that my experience this time is more bright, less drama, more happiness. The birth of my little girl was one the best days of my life, I just wish it could have felt more like that for other people as well.

Until the day comes when I am being taken to the Labor and Delivery unit, I will be spending my time packing, baking, making a quilt, chasing a toddler, cleaning and worrying way, way too much about the future.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

home alone

Well, Autumn is at grandma's and so I am home alone with nothing to do but sleep and work on Liam's nursery. I am starting to get very anxious, but I know things will work out well in the end. I have finished his mobile, so I am in the middle of doing the quilt. It is the first quilt I have ever done, and ontop of that I have made the entire thing up, from drawing out the patterns on construction paper to painting the fabric my mom gave me to be the print I want. I am feeling quite creative I guess. When I get it done, I'll post pictures...

I am 33 weeks today... It is weird to think I have about 4 weeks left until I am as far along as I was when Autumn was born. There is still so much to do!

We are moving into the Cabin. I am excited, yet I am a little uncertain at how much I am actually going to be allowed to make it my home. We'll see I guess.